I see that I NEED to be RIGHT. All the time. It seems like my life will end (or something dramatic) will happen if I am wrong (or someone sees that I am wrong). My ego is fully stuck in this need to be right.
When I notice something is controlling my life, I do an experiment with looking at that thing to see the truth in it. This need to be right is very strong in me, and I cared to see the truth behind this need. The experiment starts with the declaration of intent, which in this case is to see the truth in my need to be right.
I see how many things in my life revolves around being right. While lying in bed waiting for the alarm to go off (I usually am awake at that time anyway – but set an alarm ‘just in case’) I looked at the “Good Little Girl” (GLG) personality that I created for myself, and it became really clear to me what was going on with it. I created that identity so that I could feel GOOD about myself and in order to keep that identity up I had to make someone else look BAD. And, as a child (when this personality first began) that someone was my brother.
I don’t know if the chicken or egg came first but my “guess” is that he already was abusing me and this is what gave me the idea of the GLG personality. He would abuse me and I would be the victim, and cry, and get my mothers attention and “love” (or what I would call love). Eventually I got to where I would taunt Richard (brother) and he would abuse me so I could be the victim to get the “love”. This would all justifying and reinforce myself with the GLG/victim. I had to make myself the “good one” even in my own mind. I ‘needed” to make Richard look like the bad one in order to keep myself as the ‘good” one.
And, it WAS a matter of “life or death” (at least for me) as I needed the “love” that I got, as little as it was, since there wasn’t much of it in our home. Dolores and John (my parents) had no ability to give love since they never had it themselves. But, I craved it like I craved breathing and food. I needed it! So – being “right” was being “good” and that gave me what I needed the most – “love”. I am using the word “love” because I don’t have another word to replace it. Maybe I mean attention, or approval or appreciation. I don’t know what exactly it was.
So this is why the “being RIGHT seems so very important (life and death) because (to me) it is the only way to get love. If i am WRONG (thus BAD) i would be punished and I wanted to avoid that at all costs! Punishment was not only the lack of love it was also painful! Double whammy! Being right was being good and being good meant getting love/pleasure. Being wrong meant being bad and being bad meant getting punishment/pain!
I had another huge “aha” as I was getting ready for work. I leave the house at 7am and I wake up around 6:45, which don’t leave me much time to get ready. While in the kitchen cutting up the apple that I take with me, I noticed the sink was full of dishes, and the dishwasher was full of clean dishes. I said to myself, “Well, that will be here when I get home” (since I didn’t have time to do them then) no one else will do it (feeling the victim! boo hoo!). Then I saw how the dishes HAD to still be there when I got home so I could feel the victim, as the victim is the GOOD GUY (in my mind). I would be the martyr and make Brian the BAD guy (they were mostly all his dishes in the sink).
I actually needed him to keep doing things “wrong” so that I could be “right”! I made this all happen. All his not taking care of things, and not putting dishes away or helping around the house so that can make me the good one. What would I be if he did all that? I couldn’t be “better” than him (which makes me right/good). Yikes! I actually set up a life where someone else is there being “wrong” so that I can be “right”. And then I treat Brian terribly. Always wanting him to be wrong, and pointing out all the things he is doing that is wrong.
The need to be right is linked to the need for love. If I am right I will get love. If I am wrong I will not (and get punished too). It is a matter of ‘life and death’ for me to get love, thus to be right.
How convoluted things get!
Update: December 16, 2011
I caught a glimpse of why I need to be right, and how it seems to be so important to me. If I am wrong then the fabric of my reality seems weak and I feel like I don’t have any solid foundation under me. I have to be right because that is reinforcing my foundation, it is proving that it is real/true, thus making it stronger. The more I am right the stronger my foundation seems to be. Though, this is not real/true. Actually the more solid I make it the easier it is to collapse or fold. Any upset and it rocks it at it’s core and I cannot stand on firm ground, which makes the upset even worse – which wants me to then reinforce my foundation (by proving I am right).
If I allowed for not being right, then my foundation would be more flexible, and it would give easier during upsets (or there might not even be upsets). So being right and reinforcing a solid foundation would/could only work towards the opposite for which it was originally created (security).
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