Being 100%

Being 100%

I have been looking at “being” for 2 weeks, and I still don’t know what it is. What is “being”? I ask this every day. I hear people talking about “being” and yet, I don’t have any clue what that is. I looked at Being a Bitch. I looked at being fat (had the experience of feeling my fatness, or seeing the limitations of being fat, of having difficulties walking and bending over… etc).

Today I asked the question, “What is being something 100%? I have heard Edward Jones (author, “Self Transformation” and “A New Consciousness“) say that – be something 100%. Since I don’t know what being is, I don’t know what being something 100% is. I looked at my failures (this is what Edward looked at, so I thought maybe that would give me a clue), and I saw that I had failed at everything in my life. I then asked again, what is failing 100% – and I saw that I really had not failed, since for each failure I had an excuse for everything that happened. I blamed others or the situation or whatever. I always had some excuse or justification for whatever happened that “caused” me to fail.

I see that those excuses stopped me from being a failure. I then saw that it was those excuses that caused me NOT to BE … anything! It is the excuses and justifications I have that caused me to not be fat, a bitch, a liar, a failure… etc!*

I had the experience of seeing what BEING is.

I cannot say I am there (being) – since I still have excuses for everything. So, now I am looking at my excuses and how they are stopping me from being that which I am.

What is Being?

I do not know what “BEING” is. I know what “DOING” is, and I am good at doing things. But, I have no idea what being is. Edward Jones  said to me the other day, “Dona, you say you are fat or a liar or a bitch, but you don’t be it.” At first I denied this, and thought he was just not seeing me clearly. I was upset that he would say this to me. How dare he say such a thing? Obviously I was for sure fat, a liar and a bitch and how could he say I was not?

Then I figured he was pointing at something that I could not see for myself. Even though I could not see it, since – to me – I am it all the time.

When I looked at what he said, it seemed to me that I was definitely fat and a liar and a bitch, so I didn’t know what he was pointing at. I do not know what “being” something is. I looked at myself and my “fatness, liarness, bitchness… etc” and it seemed to me that I was being it – darn, I was it all the time! How could he say I was not being it?

Then I realized that I didn’t know what “being” was. What is that? I could not see it at all. What is Being Something? So, I set out with the question, “What is being a bitch?”

That day we went to the movies.  It was free popcorn day, so we were all waiting on line. All of a sudden 2 lines appeared to form, so I told (note: told – not asked) TJ to get in the other line. He did. I got to the counter first, and ordered the drinks and my popcorn. TJ then stepped out of his line to come to me. My mind went into a huge confusion, and “blew”. I yelled at him to get back in his line, that he could get the free popcorn either place. While this was happening, I saw the confusion I was in, and I saw the bitch rearing it’s ugly head and yelling. I saw how the confusion set in and in my attempt to CONTROL things, I started to bark out orders to everyone. I stepped aside and allowed my mind to comprehend what was happening – that the bitch showed up – and I was being the bitch… in all it’s bitchiness.

The problem is that I have feelings attached to all of these “labels”. I don’t want to be fat, a liar, a bitch … etc, so even though I do see that I am those things (seeing the truth of myself) I also ADD to it the feelings about them. I feel shame, and sadness, and regret, and pain. All sorts of feelings and judgments are included in those words.

Then I realized what BEING 100% is. It is seeing the truth of myself WITHOUT anything added to it. Just seeing it. No feelings, no judgments, no opinions. Nothing about how bad those things are, or what a bad person I am for having those things. It is not just a matter of seeing that I am doing those things, it is seeing that without adding any additional thoughts to it.

That is what is being pointed towards when the sages would say “have no attachments”. They don’t mean get rid of all possessions (though that might be something that does happen). It is no thoughts attached to what is happening. Being something 100% is seeing the truth of that and that is all. Nothing else added.

I have not gotten to that point yet. I still have the feelings attached, and I sometimes add feelings about having the feelings! And, it is just noticing all of it. Ok, I do have those feelings – no denial of it. Denial is sometimes worse that the feelings to begin with, since denial hides it. I then don’t see it at all. We live in a world of denial. People are taught to not see the truth of themselves because they would think themselves bad or wrong. So, we deny the things we know are true. We keep them secret, even from ourselves (though, deep down we do know they are there – but we pretend they are not).
The truth is that I am everything that is in any and every person alive. If there is a fat person out there, I am fat. If there is a liar out there, I am a liar. If there is a bitch out there, I am a bitch. And, to see it in myself as well. I am all of it.

*the speaking of truth includes seeing the things that I was told were “bad”, and not deny those things. You might read this and say, “why is she saying she is fat, liar and a bitch” – why would anyone say those things about themselves? She must not think very much of herself to do that. The truth is that I am those things, and denying them only makes it worse. Seeing the truth 100% is BEING 100%.

The speaking of truth is difficult to express, as it is often seen by others as “bad” or “wrong” because it is opposite just about everything we have been taught. It is seeing through the looking glass.

Any and all comments are welcome.
Dona

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